My friend passed away some weeks ago and left $25,000 to her son, who is now in his 20s, and envelopes of $300 to her closest friends. While she was very sick in hospice care, her brother took this money for safekeeping, and gave it to her parents. After she passed away, he opened the envelopes with the $300 and instead decided to buy her coterie of friends candles.
Her parents and brother decided that if they gave the money to her son, he would just spend it. Instead, they said they would hold on to it. Her will explicitly states she would like her son to have this money. Her ex-husband is aware of the existence of this stash of cash, but wonders whether he should say something to the parents.
They are a very religious family. These are the same people who hug the altar every week. I spoke to my friend’s brother and I called it “theft.” He said, “I take exception to the word ‘theft.’” After her funeral, I saw her father count $50 notes at the hotel to pay for the afternoon lunch, which I assume came from this money.
Who’s right? Should her ex-husband tell his in-laws that they should hand over the money, as per their daughter’s will? Her son is a responsible young man and does not have issues with alcohol or drugs, and he is like any other boy his age: learning to navigate life. I don’t believe they are respecting her last wishes.
The Friend
Dear Friend,
If we tell ourselves a lie often enough, it doesn’t make it true. Cash does not leave the same digital trail as bank-account withdrawals.
Taking money from the bedside locker of a person who is lying in hospice care could be regarded as safekeeping; they might have been concerned that the money would have gone missing if a staff member found it. That’s a lot of cash to keep in one place, and a lot of temptation to put in a person’s way. However, taking money from that locker, keeping it and deciding to dish it out as they see fit — and not tell her son and heir — is doing exactly what they feared that phantom staff member would do. They have become the thing they wanted to protect her from: a pantomime villain who plays by their own rules.
Just because the money is in cash and easily accessible does not mean it should be used as petty cash by your friend’s parents or her brother. Her will clearly states that she wants her son to receive the money after her friends have been given token gifts. They have a moral and a legal obligation to respect her last wishes, and give this $25,000, or what remains of it, to her son. If he decides to buy a car instead of spending the money on a college course, that’s his choice. Given the choices made by his family, they are hardly in a position to educate others on how to spend it.
This money belongs to your friend’s son, and he should be made aware of its existence. The question is: Will they acknowledge its existence and hand it over?
They are playing God with this money and may be bending their own religious or moral code to suit their wishes. If they are ardent readers of the Bible and adhere to the Ten Commandments, they should be aware that one of those commandments states, “Thou shalt not steal,” while another says, “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s goods.” I don’t see addendums in that text or, indeed, in the law of any state that says, “Stealing is OK as long as you know how best to spend other people’s money.” This money belongs to your friend’s son, and he should be made aware of its existence. The question is: Will they acknowledge its existence and hand it over?
I understand that it’s shocking that your friend’s family would involve themselves in a situation that is, by any standard, grubby. They may view themselves as modern-day Robin Hoods, but they are misguided. But it’s all the more disappointing given that they are ignoring your friend’s wishes, taking money that does not belong to them, and defending their actions by telling you they know best. Your friend’s ex-husband is perfectly within his rights to tell his son’s grandparents that he will alert him to the existence of this money if they don’t do so first. If not, as unpleasant as it may be, he can then tell his son about the $25,000.
Your friend’s ex-husband is perfectly within his rights to tell his son’s grandparents that he will alert him to the existence of this money if they don’t do so first.
As far as funeral expenses go, it’s standard in most states for family members to pay for the funeral and be reimbursed after the fact. According to AmeriEstate, a legal firm with law offices nationwide: “Funeral expense reimbursement is the process by which individuals who paid for a deceased person’s funeral — often family members or close friends — can recover those costs from the estate. These reimbursable costs are typically categorized as priority debts of the estate, meaning they are paid before other types of claims and distributions to heirs.”
“Funeral expenses can vary widely depending on the type of service, location, and burial or cremation preferences,” it adds. “They often include funeral-home service fees, cremation or burial costs, transportation of the body, caskets, urns, flowers, and even smaller details like programs, headstones, and obituary announcements. Most state probate codes recognize funeral expenses as necessary and legitimate obligations that should be satisfied by the estate provided that the expenses are deemed ‘reasonable and necessary.’”
As things stand, however, it appears that her family is reimbursing themselves with her life savings, at the expense of her son and heir.
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com. Check out the Moneyist private Facebook group, where we look for answers to life’s thorniest money issues. Post your questions, tell me what you want to know more about, or weigh in on the latest Moneyist columns.
The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.
Previous columns by Quentin Fottrell:
By emailing your questions to The Moneyist or posting your dilemmas on The Moneyist Facebook group, you agree to have them published anonymously on MarketWatch.
By submitting your story to Dow Jones & Co., the publisher of MarketWatch, you understand and agree that we may use your story, or versions of it, in all media and platforms, including via third parties.
This post was originally published on Market Watch
