My husband and I are invited to a niece’s wedding out of state and it will cost us a couple of thousand dollars for flights and lodging. We are making plans to attend just to show support. The invitation states that our presence is a gift in itself. But they also provided links for us to chip in for the honeymoon costs, etc., if we are so inclined. We are not wealthy, but we’re not poverty-stricken, either. What would you do?
Dear Aunt,
You could buy them a vintage floral teapot or give them $500 for their honeymoon fund. It all depends on how much money you have to spare and how much you are prepared to spend on this wedding, even for a beloved niece. Attending a wedding can get expensive, especially when you factor in airplane tickets and hotels and, in this case, you can take the couple at their word about the gift of showing up.
Out-of-state weddings can be fun for those who can afford to attend, and those who can’t afford them can usually send their regrets. Therein lies the rub. Couples who want smaller weddings can have a destination wedding in the knowledge that some of the would-be guests will send their regrets. Whether or not they live in the state where they’re having this wedding, honeymoon funds are increasingly common, second only to house funds, according to The Knot.
For you and your husband, this is the equivalent of a destination wedding, whether or not it’s a homegrown wedding or a destination wedding for the bride and groom. This poll by LendingTree found that destination-wedding guests each spend about $1,400 on average, including on travel, gifts and personal items, and upwards of $2,500 for such weddings outside of the U.S. That’s close to a monthly rent or mortgage repayment for many Americans.
Wedding invites and giftless regrets can make or break relationships.
The wedding industry is out of control, especially with the recent rise in inflation and the unknown impact of President Trump’s tariffs on the cost of living, but that’s not your problem. You only have to show up with a gift, if you go. It could be something modest from the wedding registry, assuming they have one, or it could be a beautiful china teapot from a charity shop adorned with a bow and a handmade card. Or it could be a $200 Waterford crystal vase — the choice is yours.
If you do not attend this wedding, or you send your regrets after you have said you would attend, you may risk damaging your relationship with your niece or her parents. It’s the happiest (and most expensive) day of her life, after all, and — as unreasonable as it may seem — wedding invites and giftless regrets can make or break relationships. The honeymoon fund is optional. You can attend or not, and send an alternative gift.
Unless the bride and groom are among your closest friends or are family that you feel connected to, however, sitting through a wedding ceremony and reception can make for a long, arduous and, yes, costly day. Treat the wedding as a vacation during which you will get to spend time with people you know (and, hopefully, like). If you’re lucky, there will be other people there whose company you enjoy.
You ask: “What would you do?” It would depend on the nature of the relationship, the location, my budget and, I’m sorry to say, my mood at the time. When you’ve sat through lots of weddings, as I’m sure you have, you know that they can be a bore if you don’t know a lot of people there or you’re not close to the couple. We don’t always have the time or energy to get on a plane or drive for hours in a car, and that’s OK. If you’d rather spend your money on a different vacation, do that instead.
Just make sure you send that teapot.
Related: ‘It’s been a scary ride’: My family has $800K in stocks. We lost 2 years of market gains in a few weeks. Do we sell — or buy?
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.
More columns from Quentin Fottrell:
‘I’m stuck’: I’m a single mom with a 6-year-old child. What can I do to earn money fast?
The Moneyist regrets he cannot respond to letters individually.Check out The Moneyist’s private Facebook group, where members help answer life’s thorniest money issues. Post your questions, or weigh in on the latest Moneyist columns.
By emailing your questions to The Moneyist or posting your dilemmas on The Moneyist Facebook group, you agree to have them published anonymously on MarketWatch.
By submitting your story to Dow Jones & Co., the publisher of MarketWatch, you understand and agree that we may use your story, or versions of it, in all media and platforms, including via third parties.
This post was originally published on Market Watch
