I read your reply to the person who was asked to lend their friend $5,800. I was asked by an acquaintance for money — he did it surreptitiously, just telling me how mean the IRS was to him. The school treasurer, where I worked, found out that I had inherited money and word got around. One colleague was determined to have me give or loan him money.
When I didn’t give him money, this co-worker became so enraged that he went on a whispering campaign to everyone at the college and later the community. He then ended up in my newly hired boss’s office and told her I needed to be fired. He did this with great skill. She fired me.
I learned that this colleague had become so badly addicted to opiates that all of his money was going to feed his habit. The IRS was a lot kinder to him then he was to me. I’m sure he felt very proud of the revenge he exacted on me, but the consequences for me were utterly disastrous.
It’s very important to warn people about lending money.
Those in desperate need of money are like a drowning person — and they will drown you too.
Former Schoolworker
Related: ‘My house and car are paid off’: I have $1 million in stocks — so where do I invest $100,000?
Dear Former,
Your inheritance may have been the trigger, but there was clearly a lot more going on here under the surface.
Ultimately, it’s hard to know for sure what sparked this campaign to have you fired. It could have been that he felt exposed — he asked for money and revealed himself to be vulnerable financially and personally — and/or there could have been underlying professional issues. No doubt it was a combination of things; he may have had underlying emotional and substance-misuse problems. (For anyone reading this who is impacted by these issues, there are resources listed below.)
This coworker, you say, has or had an addiction to opiates, which can completely alter a person’s judgment, personality and brain chemistry. Opioids lead to tens of thousands of deaths per year. His response was clearly disproportionate to your refusal to lend him money, which was the correct decision. Lending money to anyone, especially work colleagues, is not advisable. If they need to ask, they will likely need to ask again.
When people inherit large sums of money, I regularly advise them to not tell friends, neighbors or co-workers. While a few people may be happy for you and wish you well, you should also prepare to be unpopular, brace yourself for people not to like you, and know that some people may harbor resentment and questions like, “What did they do to deserve this?” Or statements such as, “Life is so easy for them.”
The money you inherited put a target on your back. Your windfall and subsequent refusal to lend or give him money was interpreted as personal and, by your telling, he went on an anger-fueled campaign to ruin your reputation and ultimately have you removed from your job. There are bad actors everywhere and, yes, sometimes they’re sitting in the next cubicle at work.
The perils of lending money
Your story is an extreme, cautionary tale. You may never know the real cause of this “whispering campaign” or your coworkers anger. Before anyone loans money to a family member or a friend, know this: Whether you lend $5 or $50,000, assume that you will never see it again. About two-thirds of people who have borrowed money say it was never returned, according to this survey of nearly 3,000 adults.
Ex-partners were among those tapped for money most often, the survey found. What’s most alarming about that particular study: 60% of those said they borrow money a couple of times a year and 27% said they hit friends and family up for money most months. Again, it’s a proximity problem, which may explain why your co-worker felt comfortable to ask.
A legal loan agreement should have all of the terms and interest rates, how the loan will be repaid (in installments or a lump sum) and by what date. A solid loan agreement should also be witnessed and notarized, which would help if there was a legal dispute. The Internal Revenue Service puts a limit on such capital losses at $3,000 a year.
“The debt must have been a bona fide loan — you gave the money with every expectation of being repaid,” says TurboTax. “If you charged interest, and the borrower signed a promissory note, this provides a good indication that you expected to get your money back. Otherwise, the IRS might consider the exchange to be a gift, particularly if the borrower is a friend.”
The psychology of habitual borrowers
What’s more, borrowing can have an adverse impact on the borrower. The Money and Mental Health Policy Institute, a U.K.-based nonprofit, carried out a survey of 400 people with experience of mental-health problems: Nearly half of those polled said casual borrowing from friends or family strained or broke their relationship with the lender.
While some reported “extraordinarily helpful interventions” by family and friends in helping to prevent a financial crisis, providing a safety net and a sense of social connection, “the pressure and difficulty of repaying often took a toll on people’s mental health, with people reporting feeling ashamed, guilty, worried and scared,” the researchers concluded.
Rejection can have extreme effects on people, perhaps in part of how the brain reacts, scientists say. “Perceiving that others do not adequately value one’s relationship triggers the sociometer,” according to this paper published in the peer-reviewed journal Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience. The “sociometer theory” relates to social value and perceived acceptance.
“Neuroscientific investigations suggest that much of the activity of the sociometer is mediated by the dorsal anterior cingulate cortex (dACC) and anterior insula,” the paper adds. “Among other functions, these neural regions are also associated with physical pain, which may help to explain why people report that they are ‘hurt’ when others devalue or reject them.”
The takeaway here is to keep your finances private and your personal life as your own. That would, one hopes, have removed you from this person’s radar.
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.
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The Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, a branch of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, aims to help families dealing with addiction issues.
If you, or a family member, needs help with a mental or substance use disorder, call SAMHSA’s National Helpline at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) or TTY: 1-800-487-4889, or text your zip code to 435748 (HELP4U), or use SAMHSA’s Behavioral Health Treatment Services Locator to get help. You can also find more resources and advice for families from SAMHSA here.
Here are other resources for people with family members who have addiction issues: The Center for Motivation and Change published this book, “Beyond Addiction: How Science and Kindness Help People Change.” Dr. Robert Meyers, who has been working in the field of addiction for four decades, developed the CRAFT approach to encourage a family member to engage in treatment.
This post was originally published on Market Watch
