Dear Quentin,
I have two adult children, but one relationship has irretrievably broken down. We’ve been estranged for 20 years. She makes no contact, nor do I contact her, and I have not seen my grandchildren during all that time, nor my great grandchildren. That’s all fine with me; they have choices, as I do. When I pass I intend to leave her and her immediate family with nothing.
I paid for everything in a house my daughter and her partner, who I did not approve of, purchased; I paid for their first baby’s christening and communion, and a fence around their home so their child couldn’t go walkabout. I once complimented my daughter and her partner on a nice plant in their garage and they started laughing, and told me it was a marijuana plant.
“‘I once complimented my daughter and her partner on a nice plant in their garage and they started laughing, and told me it was a marijuana plant.’”
My daughter used the f-word when I called her to ask her to repay a loan. I paid my granddaughter’s private-school fees when they told me that she was going to be ejected from school, but they used the money to buy a new leather chair for their office and a computer. That was finally the straw that broke the camel’s back.
She told my grandchildren lies about me so they would despise me, so all communication was broken off. I’m now in my mid-70s and I have stopped caring about what happens to them. How do I best ensure they receive nothing from my estate, and what is the chance that they could successfully challenge my will?
Distant Relationship
People are who they are, and it can be better for everybody’s happiness, peace of mind and mental health to draw a line under a relationship, even one with a parent or a child.
MarketWatch illustration
Dear Distant,
No one likes to be made feel a chump. You supported her financially and, by hook or by crook, she did not seem to respect your help or your position as her mother. I understand that she too would give her own version of events. Nearly a dozen U.S. states allow people to grow marijuana for recreational purposes, but it is your right to approve or not.
There are, alas, no winners in this story. This can’t have been easy for either of you. And, yes, sometimes it’s best to stop trying to turn a turnip into a parsnip (if you prefer the latter). People are who they are, and it can be better for everybody’s happiness, peace of mind and mental health to draw a line under a relationship, even one with a parent or a child.
Generally speaking, anyone who contests a will must have a legal standing. As always, laws vary by state. In New York, people with standing include those who would have received more assets if you had not written a will and your estate had been distributed under state intestacy laws, as well as those who would have inherited more money according to a previous will.
“Nearly a dozen U.S. states currently allow people to grow marijuana for recreational purposes, but it is of course your right to approve — or not.”
Children can be disinherited for several reasons, according to Landskind & Ricaforte, based in Brooklyn, N.Y.: “The parent abandoned the child, the parent is estranged from the child, the child suffers from addiction, the parent believed that the child had already received enough financial assistance [or] that the child’s siblings had a greater need for financial assistance.”
The law firm says children must have good reasons to successfully contest a will. These reasons include: “The omission was accidental, the will is not a valid legal document, the decedent lacked the mental capacity to sign the document, the will was signed under duress or undue influence from another party [or] a subsequent will has been discovered.”
When you consult a lawyer, they should tell you that it’s best to have a reason to disinherit an heir and to state that clearly in your will, says James L. Cunningham Jr., a family lawyer with offices in California. There is, he says, “a fine art to disinheriting an heir.” What’s more, adding a “no contest” clause may not stop an heir from making a claim on your estate.
“There’s an axiom in science that nature abhors a vacuum, and there’s an equivalent axiom in the legal world that says the law abhors a forfeiture,” Cunningham says. “If you leave out a child, they will be considered an ‘omitted heir,’ sometimes referred to as a ‘pretermitted heir,’ and you may cause a legal issue by leaving them out.”
Mention your child in the will
“Let me be clear: If you think someone, like your child, has standing to challenge your will, you must be careful to directly mention them and specifically state that you do not wish them to inherit,” he adds. “In particular, your documents must identify all your children and make it clear that a particular child is to receive nothing.”
Probate courts, Cunningham says, are courts of equity. “This distinction may sound old-fashioned, but it has evolved over the years and centuries into the system we have now. Courts of law deal with criminal matters, while courts of equity can set the law aside in favor of what judges, at their sole discretion, determine to be fair.”
Perhaps more surprisingly, your situation is not as unusual as it might seem. This study published last year in the Journal of Marriage and Family surveyed a nationally representative sample of more than 16,000 fathers and mothers and found that 6% of respondents reported an estrangement from their mothers, while 26% reported an estrangement from their fathers.
“A study published last year found that 6% of respondents reported an estrangement from their mothers, while 26% reported an estrangement from their fathers.”
It broke down the results by gender, ethnicity and sexuality. Daughters were less likely to be estranged from their mothers; Black adult children were less likely than their white peers to be estranged from their mothers, but more likely to be estranged from their fathers; and gay, lesbian and bisexual children were more likely than heterosexuals to be estranged from fathers.
The reasons for estrangement are vast and varied. They include divorce, physical distance, the belief that the child was not cared for when they were younger, and physical, emotional or sexual abuse. But of the people who were estranged from their parents, 81% said they had reconciled with their mother, while 69% reported that they had reconciled with their father.
“The difference between societal ideals around what family should be and the reality of messy family behavior can often trigger shame and a hesitancy to speak about the estrangement, while even well-meaning clinicians may inadvertently contribute to the pain of the estranged patient by encouraging them to reconcile,” the American Psychological Association reported in April.
Good luck to you — and your family. I hope that you and your daughter find happiness and peace of mind apart, if you cannot reconcile your differences. Inheritances are not an entitlement for children, and you can leave her share to the dogs and cats’ home, if you prefer. Dogs are loyal and will love you unconditionally.
All they need is walks, company, cuddles and kibble. They will never fight you for an inheritance.
Other columns from Quentin Fottrell:
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