My partner and I have been together for almost eight years. We are not married and don’t share any bank accounts; I don’t even know how much he makes. He is an independent contractor and not really in a stable financial situation. I’m 47 and he is 55; I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and he has never been married. We both have our own houses; mine is in Miami and his is located in Orlando.
He is perfect in many ways. He doesn’t drink, smoke, party or gamble, and nor does he get involved with other women — at least that I know of — but he is so careful with his money to the point I have told him he is cheap. I make a decent amount of money to provide for me and the kids. I would love to save more for my retirement, but lately I pretty much have nothing left to put aside for a rainy day.
I am really starting to wonder whether it’s worth it for me to stay with a person like this. As far as I know he doesn’t have any retirement plans except equity from the house.
My boyfriend stays at my house 80% of the time because he wants to spend time with me and the kids; plus, it’s also convenient for his work. The problem is he never offers any money to help me out with any expenses in the house — except to pay phone bills, and sometimes he helps me fix stuff here and there around the house. Since inflation started increasing, groceries have gotten so expensive.
I asked him to contribute something, even household supplies. He got mad and said that he couldn’t help much because he needed to pay for the same things at his house as well. He always says he contributes in the form of domestic chores — or, as he says, “labor” — like cutting the grass, maintenance and babysitting the kids, which he argues ultimately saves me a lot of money.
I am really starting to wonder whether it’s worth it for me to stay with a person like this, to grow old together. As far as I know he doesn’t have any retirement plans except equity from the house. I’m confused and really need some advice on what I should do. I believe that he is being very cheap and feel like it’s not fair on me. What do you think?
Mother of Two
Dear Mother,
You have three mouths to feed instead of two.
There’s a lot to unpack here. Let’s start with the definition of perfection: The absence of infidelity, gambling, excessive drinking and carousing is a low bar to qualify anyone for a halo. The choice of partner is — aside from the choice of career, investments and lifestyle — one of the most important quality-of-life and financial decisions you can make in your lifetime. Ask anyone who’s been divorced, or spent 20 years with a deadbeat.
“How” you approach somebody with a request, especially a financial request, can be just as important as “what” you are asking of them. You have allowed this status quo to continue and bringing it up now appears to have put your boyfriend on the defensive. He probably feels cheap and knows he has not offered to pay for household expenses, or even electricity or gas. It risks becoming a confrontation, even if you didn’t mean it to become one.
Another important element in a negotiation: You should know exactly what you want from it. Asking him to give money leaves more room for ambiguity and friction. Honestly, I don’t think there’s a way of having such a conversation without hurt feelings or a bruised ego. But there is a mature way to respond (“OK, let’s talk about it”) versus a childish way (“I do odd jobs around the house and that’s called manual labor!”). These conversations should happen across a table, not as one person is about to serve dinner, watching TV or leaving for work.
The bigger problem is not the grocery bill, it’s your boyfriend’s perceived lack of financial responsibility and security.
The bigger problem is not the grocery bill, it’s your boyfriend’s perceived lack of financial responsibility and financial security. He saves money on food, lighting and heating while spending most of his time at your house, but it’s his overall approach to his life that leaves you with questions about your ultimate compatibility. The domestic issue is just a symptom; it’s not the cause of these feelings. Getting angry with you is an amber, if not a red, flag.
In his defense, he’s right that jobs around the house don’t come free or cheap if you had to hire a third party, and he still has bills to pay at his own home (although, they are drastically reduced if he doesn’t spend time there). He did not offer to pay, it’s true, but nor did you raise this delicate subject of expenses in the first eight years of your relationship. This arrangement is clearly a lot more convenient for him than it is for you.
What do your children think of him? Is he a good role model for them? I know he doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or party, but that should hardly be a yardstick by which you judge all men. Do they like him? Are they old enough to notice that he doesn’t contribute around the house? If so, what’s their take? If you want to see the world through the eyes of an oracle, you don’t need Warren Buffett. Ask your kids and look at life through the eyes of a child.
Some relationships are like being stuck in a dead-end job. It was easy to show up for work on the first day, but eight years later it’s more difficult to say, ‘I quit!’
Some relationships are like being stuck in a dead-end job. It was easy to show up for work on the first day, but eight years later if it’s not bringing you joy, I wonder how difficult it would be to say, “I quit!” It’s often quite hard, given the years invested and the expectation that it will roll along indefinitely. Does he respect you? Do you respect him? Do you truly love each other? Do you miss him when he’s not around, or merely miss the routine and companionship?
The answers to those questions could bring a greater revelation than the price of, say, fixing a blocked sink or mowing a lawn. You are still young and, as you say, it’s important to be able to visualize a future with your partner, especially a retirement where you are both equal partners financially and emotionally. If you are paying his way today, there’s very little to suggest that you won’t be doing the same eight years from now.
Valentine’s Day is a bad day to bring up bad news. But it’s also a day where you should be able to enjoy your relationship with the knowledge that you have open lines of communication, and there are no lingering resentments hovering over the dinner table or waiting for you when you get home. What’s the point in performing in public like a couple in love on Feb. 14, and ordering an expensive Pinot Noir, if it has a bitter aftertaste?
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com. The Moneyist regrets he cannot reply to questions individually.
Previous columns by Quentin Fottrell:
Check out The Moneyist’s private Facebook group, where members help answer life’s thorniest money issues. Post your questions, or weigh in on the latest Moneyist columns.
By emailing your questions to The Moneyist or posting your dilemmas on The Moneyist Facebook group, you agree to have them published anonymously on MarketWatch.
By submitting your story to Dow Jones & Co., the publisher of MarketWatch, you understand and agree that we may use your story, or versions of it, in all media and platforms, including via third parties.
This post was originally published on Market Watch
