I wrote to you some time ago about a shared restaurant bill that was always divided equally, week after week, year after year, even though the prices and quantities were not in fact equal. I finally put my foot down last week and asked for a separate check. Since then, I have been weaned from the group. They did not like this at all after 25 years of shared meals. The funny thing is, honestly, I don’t even care. With each year I got angrier and angrier.
Has anyone else had this experience? It seems really weird to me.
Taking Back Control (Over the Bill)
Dear Taking Back,
No friendship worth its salt would end over a separate check.
Splitting the bill equally has been aggravating you for a while and, if you really didn’t like paying the extra dollars, you were right to speak up and ask for a separate check. For some people, paying more to eat in a restaurant includes the cost of the establishment’s rent, labor and utility bills, along with sometimes splitting the bill in a way that does not represent everybody’s orders equally. It’s all baked into the experience.
Your discontent must run deeper than a mere bill. If you take a brutally honest look at these relationships, I suspect you will find other issues: a clash of personalities, professional or personal rivalries or historical problems that you (and they) may have overlooked at the time, but that have eaten away at the quality of the relationships. But — my final food-related wordplay, I promise — it’s all soup under the bridge now.
There are so many things that can go wrong in a friendship, even one that has lasted several decades. It can feel especially isolating and painful to end a relationship after such a long investment, but I hope that you still have good memories and, as important, that these friends helped you see your own strengths and weaknesses. Even if they were prone to unkind behavior from time to time, that’s no longer your concern. What have you learned from the experience?
Your request for a separate check after 25 years of splitting the bill was also a statement about how you felt about your place among this group of people.
To address your issue specifically: It’s OK to ask for a separate bill, as I told this reader who was outraged by a friend who insisted on paying $22 for a gluten-free dish. You don’t always know people’s financial circumstances, and that extra $13 could pay for a variety of things, especially if it happens regularly. And when people order alcohol, it can — as this letter writer found out — add even more to the bill.
So what went wrong? Your request for a separate check after 25 years of splitting the bill was a statement, not just about the cost of the meal, but about how you felt about your place among this group of people. You were making a stand, but one that was bigger than the extra dollars you paid every time you broke bread together. I don’t know what other feelings were fermenting — sorry, I just can’t help myself — but your separate check spoke volumes.
Friendships change as we age. When we’re younger, friendships are often accidental — school or college friends, co-workers or neighbors — but we become more intentional in who we choose to have in our life as we age and as we gain a better idea of what we want out of life. We start to understand that a healthy and happy life — in addition to enjoying our profession, perhaps finding a life partner, and saving for retirement — also depends on who we allow into it. We curate our lives more strategically as we get older.
When we’re younger, friendships are often accidental — school or college friends, co-workers or neighbors — but we become more intentional in who we choose to have in our life as we age.
Last year, the Institute for Healthcare Policy and Innovation at the University of Michigan carried out a survey on friendship among people age 50 and over. The results are illuminating and also concerning. Some 90% of people 50 and older reported having at least one close friend, while 10% said they did not have any close friends. “The proportion of older adults without any close friends was higher among those with fair or poor mental health or physical health,” the survey found.
“Friendships are an important part of well-being and healthy aging,” the researchers wrote. “They help create feelings of connectedness and offer a valuable support system and social network. They can also help people live healthier lives. However, friendships can change or be lost over time, particularly as people age. Some changes more common with age, such as changes in physical mobility, can affect social activities and the ability to maintain friendships. Thus, it may be important to explore new ways to stay connected.”
Here’s the main takeaway: It’s OK. It’s OK to walk away from friends who don’t make you feel good about yourself. It’s OK for them to distance themselves from others for their own reasons. But I urge you to get involved in hobbies and activities where you can meet like-minded people. People change as they get older, their priorities shift, and they may view certain relationships differently today than they did five or 10 years ago. Do you and your friends share the same values? Do you truly enjoy their company? Does it feel right?
If the answer to all those questions was yes, you wouldn’t care about those extra dollars.
Readers write to me with all sorts of dilemmas.
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.
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