My late father’s wife just sent out $200 checks to my sister and me with no explanation. I sent a “thank you” card and asked what it was for, but I got no answer. Then two weeks later I received another $200 in the mail. Why would she do this? Should I just graciously accept — or question it?
Dear Daughter-in-Law,
Finally, the stepmother story I’ve been waiting for.
In my 10 years of writing this column, I have dealt with all kinds of relatives, particularly stepmothers who are demonized and scandalized by their stepchildren. (And sometimes the other way around.) They have been accused of being gold diggers, troublemakers and, on at least once occasion, murder (allegedly). It got so bad at one point that one female colleague remarked wryly: “There’s a cabal of stepmothers waiting for you in reception.” (Mothers-in-law often get the same rough treatment.)
So your letter is welcome, and does not come a moment too soon. Why is your stepmother sending you $200 checks in the mail? Maybe she believes your father would like that. Maybe it’s her way, however clumsy it may be, of staying in touch and doing something nice. Or perhaps she feels guilty — but not too guilty! — about inheriting the bulk of your father’s estate. Alternatively, she could be fending off any future allegations that she’s somehow not a generous person, and these $200 checks are, figuratively speaking, money in the bank.
I have a feeling that your stepmother would rather a visit or a phone call more than a ‘thank you’ card.
Why do stepmothers get such a bad rap? One reason, in addition to the possibility of sexism, is that women tend to outlive men, so bad or nonexistent estate plans can leave widows in precarious situations. If relations break down between stepparents and stepkids, it’s likely that they’ll be out of luck if there’s a will. If a stepmother is driving around in a new Mercedes and an extra $600,000 in her bank account, it’s because no one, not even children, is always entitled to their parents’ money after they die. People forget that it’s only an inheritance after you inherit it.
My response assumes everything related to your father’s estate was settled fair and square; that is, if there was a will, his assets were distributed according to his wishes and, if there was no will, intestate law in your state ensured that all separate property was divided in accordance with those laws. As readers have pointed out, early-stage dementia could be another outside issue and a visit in person could help ascertain that she is managing her life and finances. If not, you could suggest a doctor’s visit to test her mental cognition.
“People with Alzheimer’s disease or a related dementia often have problems managing their money,” says the National Institute on Aging. “Early on, a person with dementia may be able to perform basic tasks, such as paying bills, but they are likely to have problems with more complicated tasks, such as balancing a bank account. As the disease gets worse, the person may try to hide financial problems to protect their independence. Or the person may not realize that they are losing the ability to handle money matters.”
I have a feeling that your stepmother would rather a visit or a phone call more than a “thank you” card.
The pleasures of gift giving
Most people like a good mystery and part of the pleasure is the suspense. So I suggest you pick up the phone and thank your stepmother again for her generosity and, while you’re at it, you could ask her what led her to send you money in the mail. It could be a belated birthday gift, or merely because she felt like it and knew it would cause some intrigue. There’s also quite a large body of research concluding that giving people gifts activates parts of our brains that make us feel good — parts associated with reward and pleasure.
She could be fending off any future allegations that she’s not generous. As such, these checks are money in the bank.
As Jessica Andrews-Hannam, associate professor at the University of Alabama, said in a 2023 interview: “Both giving gifts and receiving gifts activate core areas of our brain associated with reward and pleasure. These brain regions also stimulate the neurotransmitter dopamine. All in all, psychology and neuroscience suggest that giving gifts to other people can be a very rewarding phenomenon that can bring happiness to ourselves and others. In order to maximize the benefits of gift-giving, however, it will be important to take time to savor the act.
“When we feel compassionate toward another person, we are often motivated to do something nice for that person, such as to help them relieve their suffering,” Andrews-Hannam, who specializes in cognition and neural systems, added. “What this all means is that when we are kind to others, we are, in a way, being kind to ourselves. There is a psychological term called ‘vicarious reward’ that suggests that when we witness something positive happening to another person, we vicariously feel that person’s pleasure, too.” An uncharitable interpretation might suggest that your stepmother is sending you $200 checks so she feels good.
If your stepmother is feeling extra generous, you could always gently suggest a 529 plan for your kids.
(This story was updated to include an undiagnosed case of dementia as another possible underlying issue.)
You can email The Moneyist with any financial and ethical questions at qfottrell@marketwatch.com, and follow Quentin Fottrell on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter.
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